Love.
For a lot of years I hated myself. I hated my height - 5ft 10. I hated my natural hair color - mouse brown. I hated that my best was never good enough. I had a good life, a husband that spoils me, a roof over my head, no need of a full time job because of hubby's disability pay. But I still hated everything.
Then I realized it wasn't my hair - I could color it. It wasn't my height I like being tall. It was that I hated myself.
Self-harming is a symptom of depression. Though I didn't know it when I was a kid. It made the emotional pain stop, for me at any rate. I've learned now to talk to someone or try and ride out the numbness until it tips to anger or crying. It will always be a part of me. But mostly I cut because I hated myself.
My BFF of 12 years has been someone that I could count on for help. Even if it was just keeping me from hurting myself. I was a cutter, well I guess I'll always be one. If the emotional pain gets to bad I go numb. Physical pain I can deal with. Not so much the emotional. I cut to deal with the numbness. I got that way about 2 years ago. Totally numb and wanted to cut. I told her and she stayed up late for her and talked me through until I came out of the numbness. My husband has also helped me through a desire to cut myself. He was the one that insisted if I ever felt like doing it again I had to talk to someone until it passed.
My being true to myself journey is helping me learn to love myself. I've discovered that the truer I am to myself the more I love myself. Maybe I've always hated myself because I was being true to everyone else's idea of who and what I should be.
Society tells us to love ourselves, but they never manage to tell us how to do that. Have you noticed that? Most young children know this instinctively. Maybe it's because we tell them how cute they are, how much we love them. Why do we stop giving people compliments? Why do we stop believing compliments we are given?
Here's a story. Hubby and I were in a jewelry store to get a ring resized. The sales clerk noticed I didn't have a diamond ring. I don't like diamonds - to me they are cold, hard, judging and have nothing to do with love. Now you may like them, I'm just talking about me. She said hubby needed to buy me one. He told her "I'll get her something for her computer, she'll like that more." My response "He knows me so well!" Her response - "Every woman needs a diamond." Why when I don't like them, don't want them and don't care about them do I need one?
The reason was simple and complex. Society deems that a woman should love jewelry. I don't never have. I do have a few pieces I adore but I wear them rarely and only on special occasions. This clerk determined that because I was female I had to have a diamond because I was female. What she did was make me feel less like a woman, less lovable because I didn't want a diamond.
I'm still learning to love myself. But I know the benefits of it - happiness.
Friday, November 6, 2015
Wednesday, November 4, 2015
Grocery Shopping
Saving.
Oh man I hate Grocery Shopping. Well I hate the way I use to grocery shop. Same things every time. Go through the aisles and guess how much I needed. Well I always ended up with a lot, and if I hadn't eaten a lot of junk. So I decided to do something different this month. It's not easy or quick but so worth it!
My first step was to create a menu. Since we get paid once a month, I made it for a month. To do this I started with favorite meals. I allowed for them to be served no more than once a week. The only thing that is served that often is Saturday is Pizza night - it's the day I have my glass blowing slot and I'm too wiped after that than do much more than throw a frozen pizza in the oven. I'm also trying some new recipes this month - if we like them they will go into regular rotation. If you grocery shop weekly or every two weeks - plan your menu accordingly and follow the steps.
Then I looked at every recipe and listed out the ingredients and made a tic mark for every ingredient used more than once. Then I created an excel spreadsheet. With 4 columns: Ingredients, # Needed, # on hand, # need to buy. Once I had everything in the list with the first 2 columns filled out I went through my pantry, spice cabinet, refrigerator, and freezer filling out the third column. Simple subtract needed from on hand and put that number in the fourth column. From that I made my shopping list. Now granted I can be slightly anal at times, so when I made my shopping list I organized it - Meat, Produce, Dairy, Canned or boxed goods which included Spices (basically anything in the middle of the store.) Yes, I know it takes time, but nothing worthwhile is ever fast.
My shopping list has 5 columns, (just make a second sheet in Excel): Ingredients, then the 4 stores that are close to the house. I used my computer to look through their sales adds (Note: If you shop at Publix when you create a shopping list you can print it and it will tell you what aisle the items are on. You can also get a free account and "clip" digital coupons. Just input your phone number at the check out!) Enter the price for each item in the correct store. If things are BOGO or B2GO make note of the amount saved according to the ad. Do that for each store. Again not easy or quick but worth it. Now I knew what was on sale and where. I also know who is in general cheapest usually. So if I didn't see the item on one of the sales I bought it at the cheap place and use coupons if I have them.
At the stores that I was in for the sales - I ONLY bought those items. A little lesson in grocery stores I found out years ago, but never used until now. Sales ads are filled with Loss Leaders - basically the store takes a loss on these items figuring you'll buy the rest of your groceries there - but YOU DON'T HAVE TO! It's federal law, use it to your advantage.
My monthly budget for food is $500 - but with the old way I ran out of food before I ran out of month. Now every day has a menu, as you see in the menu planner. Here is the break down for this month.
Savings With Coupons $9.25
Savings on Loss Leaders $85.11
Total Savings: $94.36
This allowed me to splurge on Filet for my steak dinner and for my Beef Stew!
If I continue to save at that a month for a year $1,132.32! To me that is worth the work as we live on a fixed income.
I have just started using coupons. I've seen the extreme coupon thing and it's not for me. I don't have room to store stuff. But that is up to you. But I only clip for what I actually use.
If you have questions feel free to ask in the comments.
Oh man I hate Grocery Shopping. Well I hate the way I use to grocery shop. Same things every time. Go through the aisles and guess how much I needed. Well I always ended up with a lot, and if I hadn't eaten a lot of junk. So I decided to do something different this month. It's not easy or quick but so worth it!
My first step was to create a menu. Since we get paid once a month, I made it for a month. To do this I started with favorite meals. I allowed for them to be served no more than once a week. The only thing that is served that often is Saturday is Pizza night - it's the day I have my glass blowing slot and I'm too wiped after that than do much more than throw a frozen pizza in the oven. I'm also trying some new recipes this month - if we like them they will go into regular rotation. If you grocery shop weekly or every two weeks - plan your menu accordingly and follow the steps.
Then I looked at every recipe and listed out the ingredients and made a tic mark for every ingredient used more than once. Then I created an excel spreadsheet. With 4 columns: Ingredients, # Needed, # on hand, # need to buy. Once I had everything in the list with the first 2 columns filled out I went through my pantry, spice cabinet, refrigerator, and freezer filling out the third column. Simple subtract needed from on hand and put that number in the fourth column. From that I made my shopping list. Now granted I can be slightly anal at times, so when I made my shopping list I organized it - Meat, Produce, Dairy, Canned or boxed goods which included Spices (basically anything in the middle of the store.) Yes, I know it takes time, but nothing worthwhile is ever fast.
My shopping list has 5 columns, (just make a second sheet in Excel): Ingredients, then the 4 stores that are close to the house. I used my computer to look through their sales adds (Note: If you shop at Publix when you create a shopping list you can print it and it will tell you what aisle the items are on. You can also get a free account and "clip" digital coupons. Just input your phone number at the check out!) Enter the price for each item in the correct store. If things are BOGO or B2GO make note of the amount saved according to the ad. Do that for each store. Again not easy or quick but worth it. Now I knew what was on sale and where. I also know who is in general cheapest usually. So if I didn't see the item on one of the sales I bought it at the cheap place and use coupons if I have them.
At the stores that I was in for the sales - I ONLY bought those items. A little lesson in grocery stores I found out years ago, but never used until now. Sales ads are filled with Loss Leaders - basically the store takes a loss on these items figuring you'll buy the rest of your groceries there - but YOU DON'T HAVE TO! It's federal law, use it to your advantage.
My monthly budget for food is $500 - but with the old way I ran out of food before I ran out of month. Now every day has a menu, as you see in the menu planner. Here is the break down for this month.
Savings With Coupons $9.25
Savings on Loss Leaders $85.11
Total Savings: $94.36
This allowed me to splurge on Filet for my steak dinner and for my Beef Stew!
If I continue to save at that a month for a year $1,132.32! To me that is worth the work as we live on a fixed income.
I have just started using coupons. I've seen the extreme coupon thing and it's not for me. I don't have room to store stuff. But that is up to you. But I only clip for what I actually use.
If you have questions feel free to ask in the comments.
Monday, November 2, 2015
Being True to yourself
Life
Everyone says to be happy you have to be true to yourself. You really do need to do that and from my journey on that rode, I've noticed that I AM happier. But how do you start that journey?
I credit Caitlin Jenner (Not a Keeping Up With The Kardashians fan, so that had nothing to do with it). It was her comment that she was finally being true to herself. That comment got me thinking, was I being the real me? Or was I letting everyone else determine what that truth was? So I asked myself one question...
Am I happy with myself?
Not the life I was living, or where I was in my life - but with myself. I'd thought I was but the more I was honest with myself, I realized I wasn't. I was happy when it was just me and my husband I was happier with me, but still not completely. I finally realized it was because I wasn't doing things because so and so wouldn't approve. I was too old. Or some other stupid reason I wouldn't let myself do or be what or who I wanted.
It wasn't easy to decide what steps to take. Truthfully, I'm still figuring it out and I hope to be figuring it out for the rest of my life. My true first step, I didn't realize that it was the first step. It was going back to college and getting a degree. I'm about to graduate with a double degree!
The second step came after the Caitlin Jenner comment. I'd seen the "Rainbow/ Crayola" hair colors and I wanted to do my hair - in green. But I'd always told myself "You're 52. That's too old to do that." Then I made the "Be True To Myself" project had started. So that was something I wanted to do and I DID IT! I love my green hair. I feel younger. I've gotten more compliments on my hair even when I feel like crap. When I got out of that chair, I knew I was being true to myself.
Other things have appeared on the list as time passes but that's okay. Each one I've made came from deep within myself. It has taken time to make. I had to break out of the habit of thinking someone wouldn't approve or I was too old or I can't.
Now it's your turn. Comment and tell me something you want to do but told yourself you couldn't because of someone else or your age.
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